first of all, I am sorry to drag you along with my sadness right now.. Currently, I am weak, lost of interest and lost of appetite, nauseous, and in labile mood.. When you are too regret of something that really important.. It brought you at a very low level of weakness and sometimes you can't run away or walk away from it..
I know, it has haunted my life right now.. What can I do is that I have to be strong and try not too think about it too much.. I believe that I can get rid of my current problem although it will take some time.. I will wait and want to see myself recover back to normal..
I realised that this happened for reasons.. One of it is I am able to understand my mom's problem.. She has depression too.. And it has changed a lot of herself.. Now, I can understand how did she feel when she had lost of appetite.. It was really annoying.. You want to eat because your stomach got sick, but your throat just cannot take it.. Alhamdulillah, I am able to feed myself although with some difficulty.. I also learnt that how was my mom when she can't sleep at night.. It was our minds.. We just cannot stop thinking of our guilt, regret, upset.. All become mixed up.. And, I also can't sleep right now.. Thanks so much to my sister for her effort to force me to sleep.. I was able to sleep for 3 hours..
Since I know what is the sequence of let the depression control our minds.. I would not let it destroy my life.. and also my mom's life.. I have seen so much in the psychiatric wards.. No, not to us.. I believe Allah with help us..
I am still weak and labile, but I have to hide my tears and my sadness from people.. and my mom.. I am so sorry mom for what had happened.. This will be one of my great punishment for being careless about my thoughts.. InshaAllah, I will leave my weakness behind with success one day.. And I will able to walk forward.. Amin ya Allah..
Pray for my strength too yea readers.. ;)
My final exam is just 4 weeks to go..
Take care.. :)